Daughter of Opinion

Dear Grace

2011-10-20T14:12:00.002-05:00

I have written to Dylan countless times but this is my first love letter to you; it will certainly not be my last. While I may never share these actual words with you, I hope I find meaningful ways to express their intent throughout your life.

I was eight years old - just like you - when my dad married the woman who would be my step-mother. I loved her immediately in small, superficial ways (she was very pretty and she smelled nice). Initially, she was also very pleasant toward me and so I am sure my affection would have become genuine in a short amount of time - most children are blessed with an availability of love. Unfortunately, we did not have a close relationship as I grew up but a part of me loved her anyway for giving me my brother.

I remember meeting you for the first time and how willing you were to have me in your room and to share in the game you were playing. I remember the comfortable way you crawled onto my lap and the curious, playful manner in which you touched my hair. You were so receptive to my being there and I was grateful.

In the months that followed our introduction, you occasionally called me "mom". I knew this was less an exclusion of your true mother and more an inclusion of me but I corrected you each time...

Grace, my name is Jessica.

I know. I'm just going to call you mom.

But you have a mom.

You can be my second mom and "mom" can be your nickname.

I have a nickname - it's Jess. What if I wanted to call you Steve?

That's fine so long as I can call you mom.

I know...why don't we think of a nickname ONLY you can call me?

Trying to outfox me, you decided to go with my "Steve" tactic thinking I would never agree to a ridiculous nickname and would, therefore, have no choice but to finally accept "mom" - -

Medusa! You triumphantly presented - your recent study of Greek mythology clearly paying off.

Perfect! I accepted, smiling.

That was nearly two years ago but you still, on occasion, use this pet name - mostly upon a departure of some sort: "Goodbye/Goodnight Medusa!" and each time, I consider the context of my dubbing and feel warm inside.

When I think about your dad and how fortunate I feel to have found him, I think about how incredible it is that he not only wanted to spend the rest of his life with me but that he found me worthy of sharing in your life, too. I think about this a lot and I marvel at it every single time.

I love being a part of your humor, empathy, intellect, and affection. I love watching you learn and experience life. I love "giving you dreams" with your dad and sharing in our "kiss code" at bedtime.

I hope I am always among the faces you look for in the hallways of your life; I promise I will always be there.

I love you,

Medusa

Independence Day

2011-07-05T15:50:00.004-05:00

Departing for the Army - July 4, 2011

Dylan

2011-06-28T10:02:00.011-05:00

Curiosity is a natural inclination for children and you were no exception. You asked all the "whys" and "hows" of an actively interested boy - one line of questioning always leading to another. Your eclectic topics of choice ranged from animals and the galaxy to human behavior and religion.

Once, in an effort to comfort you while we huddled in a closet as an Arkansas storm lashed our house, I asked if you would like to pray. Your solemn, eight year old eyes peered up at me from under our clothes as you said, "I'd rather cast a big, white circle around us like the Pagans do."

Over the years, my maternal job description has shifted. The things you once needed me for are different and the ways in which you need me have changed. I find I am the one asking a lot of questions these days - - and you, perhaps a lot like I was as a teen mom, seem a bit short on patience.

Now a man of 20, I look back on my role as your mother and try to be gentle with myself as I spot my mistakes in hindsight. Intuitively, I know there are others - errors I have forgotten or perhaps decisions I still do not perceive as misguided but you (or others) might. In all respects, I hope you will forgive me. You are going about the important job of adulthood and sometimes that includes filling the gaps our foundation might have missed or, at the very least, sealing our own cracks.

I have sent you off once before as a college student but releasing you into the world as a Soldier feels different. Although equally proud of and excited for you, I also feel scared and vulnerably powerless. It is a larger, deeper fear than sitting in a closet on a stormy spring day but I find myself simultaneously praying as I project a huge, infinite round plane of hope and protection around you...covering more than one base, I suppose.

In a most patriotic turn of events, you report for duty on Monday, July 4, 2011. You have always had my love and support but even that now feels different. Words can be such a poor messenger for emotions that run both deep and elevated.

The noun "Soldier" is someone who serves in an army but, as an adverb, "soldiering on" is to persist in spite of difficulties. You are a fourth generation Soldier in our family and I know you will excel as the noun even as I struggle with the adverb.

I love you,

Mom

Mother's Day

2011-05-08T11:53:00.006-05:00

I have written a lot about my mom on this blog with little positive on which to focus. Today, I'd like to change that - partly to acknowledge good where it exists but mostly in an effort to refocus my feelings, energy and attention.

Dear Mom,

Here are the wonderful things I remember about you:

The way you loved animals. It was more than just tender affection, you were knowledgeable and instinctive about our pets' health and behavior. You always seemed to intuitively know the right thing to do in every situation. In addition, because you loved animals, you were generous with our exposure to them and so we knew and loved cats, dogs, hamsters, guinea pigs, birds, turtles and fish. Many of these pets were brought into our family by you but there were also moments of acquiescing to our pleas (and sometimes tears) regarding a found stray that just had to be kept.

The way you loved music. I cannot recall a time in my childhood where the walls of our home didn't absorb the melodies and sounds of various genres - ranging from rhythm and blues to country and western to classic rock. I remember the 8 tracks and the album covers which, to your chagrin, were often used as scratching posts by the cats (see aforementioned love of animals). I think people underestimate the impact of music on a young soul but, of all the times I spent the night away from home, I cannot recall a friend's family that seemed to honor music as much as ours and I feel blessed by this.

The way you respected people. In our house, it would have been much easier to get away with dropping a foul four letter word than to utter "nigger" or "fag" both of which represented an "ignorance" for which you had zero tolerance. At a very early age, you taught me not to judge people by their ethnicity or orientation but, rather, by their actions and intentions. You seemed sensitive toward others and adept at looking into the heart of people; perhaps because you hoped others would do the same toward you. On related notes, we were not allowed to say "shut up" due to the sheer disrespect of it and playing with toy guns was out of the question because "guns were not toys" and it was ridiculous to you that they would be marketed as such.

The way you respected the earth. The only thing as egregious as prejudiced labeling and ignorant name calling was littering. This might seem trite or obvious to some - especially in what is now a very eco-sensitive world - but I will never forget the reaction I received the first time I casually tossed a candy wrapper from the car window. I am confident this served as my motivating factor for cleaning the woods behind our house, an effort in which I enlisted many neighborhood kids. Ironically, while I often wished our home were better kept (in comparison and contrast to that of my friends'), you drew serious lines and expectations when it came to respecting mother nature and, in doing so, made me acutely appreciative of that which is greater than myself.

The way you respected literature. Not only was English your favorite subject but I grew up watching you read and remember perusing the numerous books that were piled throughout our home. I would marvel at your ability to instantly pronounce and/or define a word with which I was struggling and always in such a way that made it easy for me to understand and remember. In particular, I loved how you would listen to the poems I wrote and presented, taking note that you seemed especially proud which made me feel proud because you were so smart and articulate.

You have directly shaped and influenced the way my life has been enriched by a love of animals, a value of diversity, a respect for our environment and a sincere appreciation for music and the written word. All of these things are deeply important to me and so today, a day we acknowledge our mothers, I honor your place among them.

Jess

Where I've Been

2011-04-15T14:48:00.004-05:00

Not writing as much as I could - or should. I've been busy with my new job, wedding planning and having fun with my NEW HOBBY!

The Permission of Denial

2011-04-07T08:17:00.006-05:00

Born of lies, the words are delivered - -
The excuse, on the table, pathetically shivered.

The dysfunctional motion makes me sick - -
The child who remembers, cut to the quick.

I withdraw from the noise - that is my choice - -
A woman now, I have a voice.

But you....you align out of ignorance and fear - -
With her addict's tongue and your enabler's ear.

Dear, Sweet 2010

2011-01-10T09:59:00.006-06:00

I know I said it early and often in this post, but......thank you.

You brought me so many wonderful things throughout the year - - fantastic times with new and old friends, good health and opportunities for personal and professional growth. It wasn't just what you did but how you did it -- rather than challenge me the way 2009 did, you nudged and prodded me more gently, just as I had asked.

I didn't realize when we began our journey together that you would afford me the occasion to travel so much but I thoroughly enjoyed and appreciated it. Not only did I get to tour the states extensively with my sweetheart (Atlanta, New Orleans, Denver, Chicago, Fort Lauderdale, NYC, Charlotte, San Francisco/Sausalito, Minneapolis/Duluth, Austin), I also had the good fortune of taking a family vacation for the first time ever which included a long overdue reunion that was meaningful for all of us - especially my dad.

Even though I have loved my job for nearly a decade, after your first quarter, 2010, I started feeling as if it was time I moved on and I practically begged you to lead the way. After a favorable combination of circumstances, you opened a door for me and, while it remains to be seen what 2011 has in store, I am excited and deeply optimistic!

I even took NaNoWriMo on during your November - - and while I am not sure it could be defined as fully successful, I learned so much about the process of writing and, in turn, about myself that I am counting it as a big win and one I hope to evolve more in 2011. In other creative areas, I have expanded on my interest in photography and can't wait to see where it goes. In both of these endeavors, that guy you introduced me to has not only been supportive and encouraging but he literally helped make these things happen for me.

I love him incredibly.

Speaking of him, he's going to be my husband! That's right, he and his amazing daughter are going to make official what I have felt in my heart for quite some time - they are going to be my family - and there is nothing I can place of greater value or importance.

My only marked sorrow during your time was October 29 when I lost this love in my life. Thankfully, because I trust it was the right time for him, I am able to hold on to our ten years with a full and happy heart.

When we first met, 2010, I gripped you with one hand and held my list of intentions in the other and you sagely checked things off with impeccable timing. Even when I wanted more sooner, you instinctively knew better.

You will go down in my personal history as one of the most important years of my life; indeed, you have given me a mighty platform from which to jump and I can only hope the new year will offer me many chances to make others as happy as you, 2010, made me.

Find The Opening

2010-11-09T14:23:00.003-06:00

When one door closes a window opens

Cliche but true....

Nothing can exist without that which came before it and every change is for our greater good.

Find the opening.

Photo credit - Matt Homann

In Love and Gratitude

2010-10-28T15:03:00.005-05:00

This furry guy has been a meaningful member of our family for the last ten years. He has seen me through a marriage and divorce....through the loss of my sister....through relocation to various homes; he has outlived some great family dogs and helped host a couple of other cats. He came into our lives when my son was in fifth grade and he was there for me when he left for college.

After a dedicated effort to manage his kidney disease from home, I am opting to give Dave the true meaning of euthanasia - a "good death." I am hopeful the love and warmth I offered him along with so many of my family and friends contributed to his having a good life.

The vet will be by our home tomorrow AM so that Dave can die where he is most calm and comfortable. We are fortunate to have one more night with him - - he is sure to be pet and snuggled all evening as we give him a proper good bye.

The Kindess of Strangers

2010-09-08T09:15:00.008-05:00

I can be a social contradiction.

Most of the time, if you make eye contact with me or exchange a passing pleasantry, you will find me to be affable, easy going and open to the encounter. Most people would describe me as extroverted, approachable; curious about and interested in others. Heck, I’m in sales.

There are, however, a few who – upon becoming close acquaintances – revealed their initial impressions of me to be aloof and a bit distant. While this information usually catches me by surprise, I do recognize the solitary part of me that occasionally folds into itself - - the me that isn’t always agreeable to making a connection or chatting with strangers.

Such was the case on a recent early AM flight…

The friendly gentleman seated next to me was just a little too inquisitive for my morning disposition.

“Are you going or leaving home?” he smiled, referring to our North Carolina destination.

“Leaving.” My response was not curt but neither did it invite further conversation.

I deliberately did not offer a reciprocating question.

“Traveling for business or pleasure?” he now inquired. His eyes were blue and crinkled at the corners.

“Business.”

“What do you do?”

“I’m in sales for a healthcare recruitment company.” I delivered this reply while mentally establishing an invisible wall in the vacant seat between us. I kept my focus forward.

The man shifted in his seat, positioning himself with greater interest.

“And has the economic downturn had much of an impact on your industry?”

“A bit,” I nodded, reaching for my bag. I offered a polite smile as I opened my book.

The man, acknowledging my silent request for privacy, gazed out the window and the rest of the nearly hour and a half flight was blissfully quiet.

Occasionally, as I turned the pages of my latest book club selection, I would glance over at the man. He had slightly adjusted the window shade and lowered the seat back tray before him – a worn bible, open at the middle, relaxed on the surface. He bent over the words as if listening to them; his hands folded in his lap as he read.

His silence broke only once as he chuckled heartily to himself. I looked over, instinctively thinking I might also get the joke only to find that he was, in fact, still reading the bible. Apparently, he had found something among its pages to be good humor.

This charmed me.

As we began our descent and readied ourselves for landing, we simultaneously tucked our reading material away.

“I’m connecting to Fort Lauderdale,” he said, offering the answer to a question I had previously opted not to ask, “for my grandmother’s funeral.”

“Oh…I’m sorry for your loss.”

He smiled warmly in a way that said thank you.

“My mother didn’t want to come,” he continued, “but I had to.”

I intuited that there must be a trailing story and, while I had softened toward the man, I was not inclined to draw it out.

After a momentary pause, he asked, “Is there anything going on in your life you would like me to pray about?”

I looked at him.

I am not a religious person but my impression of the moment shifted from feeling guarded by the personal nature of his question to feeling touched by the generous offer from this man – this stranger – willing to acknowledge something important in my life with his good thoughts and intentions.

Several seconds passed with the man patiently waiting my response. His calm, peaceful nature seemed wise about something I had yet to learn and I blushed, weighing my response as if I had been granted a wish.

Ironically, I don’t want to share what I imparted to the man – this stranger en route to mourn his mother’s mother – but he listened intently with care as I laid my biggest burden at his feet.

The silence returned as we touched down in Charlotte. The man looked out the window and I, once again, kept my focus forward, this time aware of the emotion filling my eyes in the same spot where his crinkled.

Unbuckling my belt, I stood and gathered my belongings. We made eye contact one last time.

I smiled…

“Thank you for asking.”

He returned the gesture warmly in a way that said you're welcome.

Bad Day?

2010-08-26T16:37:00.004-05:00

We all have 'em. Unfortunately, what not everyone has is a thoughtful, creative boyfriend who decants a whole bottle of wine and offers the following "gift":

BUBBLE WRAP!!!

Reasons

2010-07-14T14:43:00.007-05:00

#483 and #484 why I love him....

Whether he's sporting a construction paper 'stache

Or rockin' a clown nose....

He makes me laugh and swoon.

Dare to Choose

2010-06-08T16:43:00.003-05:00

Courage is the price that Life exacts for granting peace,

The soul that knows it not, knows no release
From little things;

Knows not the livid loneliness of fear,
Nor mountain heights where bitter joy can hear
The sound of wings.

How can life grant us boon of living, compensate
Full dull grey ugliness and pregnant hate
Unless we dare

The soul's dominion? Each time we make a choice, we pay
With courage to behold the restless day,
And count it fair.

- Amelia Earhart

The Things That Happen To Other People

2010-06-02T07:36:00.012-05:00

Last night, I dreamed I returned to my childhood home as an adult. Everything was circa 1972 - a year before I was even born. My sister, Lisa, was 4 - running around the house, loud and unbridled. My mom, younger than I am now, was already a wreck. She was drinking, taking drugs.....breaking things. I felt struck by the terror of her instability and unpredictable nature.

And there was Lisa. In the thick of it all.

At one point in the dream, Lisa was acting out and I chastised her. Apparently craving discipline and order, her disposition completely shifted and her apology was immediate and heartfelt. I scooped her up and held her face within inches of mine. I looked into her eyes, aware of her fate 31 years later. It was a painful moment but I managed to smile. I consumed her cheeks, wishing the kisses could protect her.

Today, I saw this post by Katie Granju about the loss of her son, Henry. After reading older entries about Henry's story and his struggle with drugs, I found myself searching his face in the photos - looking for a hint of something, anything, that I can't see in my own child. I scanned Katie's words for evidence of a family loophole, hoping for a solid knot I could cling to that said my kid can't be like Henry. My life can't be like Katie's.

There was none.

In fact, quite the opposite. I recognized the jawline in Henry's face - the angle of his teenage body on the cusp of adolescence and adulthood. I saw the personality in his expression, the life in his eyes. I choked at the skateboarding photo, mentally comparing it to the numerous times I've watched my son on his.

It's not only easier to convince ourselves that these things happen to other people, it's far more comfortable, too.

My heart and my best wishes go to the Granju family.

Although my mind cannot comprehend their loss, I force it to try.

Sometimes, Funny - I'M NOT!

2010-03-31T15:19:00.032-05:00

When you're hot, you're hot

And when you're not, you're not

Put all the money in and let's roll 'em again

When you're hot, you're hot

We were driving back from Chicago, flipping XM back and forth between classic 80's and older country music when Jerry Reed's "When You're Hot, You're Hot" came on.

(La la la la la)(La la la la)

(La la la la la - when you're hot, you're hot)

My boyfriend, Matt (who seemed to know the words to nearly every song that popped up among the stations), began singing along, giving the chorus a particular gusto that - in spite of its predictability - sent me into a fit of laughter every time. In my effort to secretly film him, I caught only the end of the song but was elated when he gave me one more [unknowingly recorded] YOU HOT!

Like many laughs we share, however, this proved to be only the beginning of the joke....

Me: Know what persecutors said to Joan of Arc?

Matt: YOU HOT!

Me: Almost! They said, "Maiden Arc, you are deemed guilty and must be punished by death. Oh, and YOU HOT!"

Me: Know what villagers said to Salem witches?

Matt: I've no idea...

Me: Sure you do! They said, "Brides of Satan, you will join your beloved as the flames of death lick your thighs. Oh, and YOU HOT!"

Matt: [On a roll...only in a different direction] - -

Know what the nose said to its mucus? YOU SNOT!

Know what the rider said to her horse? YOU TROT!

Know what the conspirator said to the mastermind? YOU PLOT!

Know what the bed said to its cousin? YOU COT!

Know what the inventor said to his artificial person? YOU BOT!

Know what the maggot said to the carcass? YOU ROT!

Know what the idea said to the pen? YOU JOT!

Know what the wound said to the platelet? YOU CLOT!

Know what the house said to its ground? YOU LOT!

Know what the sailor said to his rope? YOU KNOT!

Know what Mary Todd said to her husband? YOU SHOT!

Know what the period said to its twin? YOU DOT!

Me: [Excited to play along] - -

Know what the zookeeper said to the leopard? YOU SPOT!

Know what the shrink said to the ink? YOU BLOT!

Know what the farmer said to the cow? YOU GOT!

Me: [Pause]

Matt: [Silence]

Me: You know.....milk.

[Crickets]

"This Too Shall Pass"

2010-03-09T18:00:00.001-06:00

This phrase is most often imparted to encourage someone during a difficult time but isn't it significant to all the time?

Every moment we are experiencing - good, bad or otherwise indifferent - will ultimately pass and we will be confronted with the next event and its subsequent emotion to absorb.

I recently had an outstanding day (February 26 to be exact) - - one of those days where everything seems sanctioned by a benevolent, higher order and falls perfectly into place. I spent this day and the weekend that followed feeling light and inflated; my feet floating inches above the earth with a dreamy smile on my face.

As is often the case, however, karma wanted to ensure I was kept in good balance and so this blissful day was followed by a really difficult one – a day when I felt as if everything around me was closing in and threatening to collapse. A day I felt I couldn’t breathe.

I am certainly aware of others who struggle and juggle more – those whose pain is far greater than I can possibly conceive and yet “bad days” are all fairly subjective. Considering someone else’s suffering might, on occasion, put your own in perspective but it doesn’t really negate the fact that one of your days has gone to complete and utter shit.

During my bad day – a day when I reflected on the happiness of February 26 as if it were a far and distant memory rather than a mere 72 hours later - I felt hopeless, foul, irritated and overwhelmed. I suspected I looked as much, too, and so I snapped a photo of myself at a stop light in an effort to capture the emotion I was wearing and projecting to the world – an act of honesty I hoped would snap me out of it or at least encourage me to “fake it ‘til I make it.”

Instead, what I captured was this overlapping beam of sun making its way across my sad and dour expression:

While I do believe that - regardless of what hardship we are enduring - there is always something brighter waiting for the opportunity to make its entrance, it occurred to me that the real truth of this shot is that fortune and misfortune will ebb and flow in our lives, bringing with them the sense of being blessed and damned. Like every moment, each will most certainly pass but it is the often overlooked union of the two - the invisible connector bestowing its wise gifts - that makes our lives and our moments that much more meaningful.

I am grateful for both.

Counting The Ways

2010-02-14T11:42:00.010-06:00

I can't decide what moved me more - the thoughtfully romantic gesture of beautifully matting and framing my previous blog post....

....or the fact that he found my words to be worthy of such a gift.

My Valentine

2010-02-12T12:32:00.006-06:00

Roses are red.

The meet.

Our parking lot.

The greet.

Buying - and signing - my Sedaris book.

The official first date.

Two swans.

Laughing. Really laughing.

Hoping to catch and be caught.

Anticipating the next random fact.

Haikus.

Complete comfort.

Walls.

Feeling as adored as I adore.

Blue sweatshirt.

Baked bread.

Cooking dinner.

Placemats. I want the turtle.

Old photos. The toothpaste shot.

Waking up at 6 AM.

Talking, laughing, sharing.

Reciting poetry.

"Biscuits."

Super Bowl bets.

Making plans.

Numerous trips.

The art museum. Waiting. Laughing.

Peas in a pod.

Immeasurable happiness.

Deeply.

Everyone should feel this way at least once.

Roses are red.

Dear Newest Family Member

2010-01-22T12:24:00.009-06:00

...and by that, I mean you, Layla.

You are unbelievably adorable, preciously sweet and incredibly loving, but - -

Quit shitting on the floor, m'kay?

Seriously.

You know the other cat that lives in the house? Yes, Dave. His expressions - and my dignity - have progressively worsened each time I've had to pick up your poo.

At first his reaction was - Sheesh! Whadya bring home, some kind of heathen cat?

Then - Are you serious? She gets to KEEP doing this....really?! No, I mean....really?

And now - How much more of this are you going to take, woman??

He's losing respect for me, Layla. Fast.

Look, I think you're otherwise great and - as I understand - you could use a home and a family. In order for this arrangement to work, however, you are going to have to find your way to the litter box that has been provided to you....every time.

It might interest you to know you have options. That's right. If, for whatever reason, you find the current litter box situation not suitable, you are more than welcome to use the toilet. In fact, take a page out of Dave's book:

Reading material is provided AND you don't even have to flush.

C'mon, Layla.....work with me.

Please.

Dearest 2010

2010-01-18T13:56:00.001-06:00

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you,thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you,thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you....

Seriously.

Out With The Old...

2009-12-31T10:07:00.003-06:00

Dear 2009:

Don’t worry – I’m not going to begin this post the way another blogger did, with a big F*%# You!

However, per my intro letter to you, I had intended to make you one of my best years ever and somewhere, 2009, we failed. That’s right, I’m willing to share the accountability.

While there were certainly positive points during your reign, you were not without your issues. By example, I would have preferred a better economy and more sales (the sliced and diced compensation really hurt) and I wish I had aligned myself better romantically. Still, I prefer to focus on the positive:

My son graduated high school and went on to college. The empty nest was hard for the first week but I think we both adjusted in an admirable way. He continues to be a source of pride for me; no one makes me laugh as much as he does and I recently learned that he is an excellent writer.

My sister and my father have temporarily lived with me. While some families may not consider this to be ideal, I saw it as an opportunity. I have not lived with my sister since I was 16 and she was 8 and, due to a divorce, never lived with my dad as a child. You, 2009, made it possible to get to know them on a deeper level. Thank you.

While I would have liked to have made more money, I do still love my job, my company and my colleagues. Even though you were economically challenging, I even got promoted halfway through you, 2009. I am now traveling more and - with hope and effort - am ready for a much more successful new year…one where I can comfortably pay my bills.

In fact, I wish this type of stability and dignity for all.

In addition to the increased work travel (where I have seen glorious parts of the Southeast), I also managed to get to Montana and camped/hiked the backcountry of Glacier National Park – a long held dream of mine. You even reconnected me with many long lost friends (well, you and Facebook) – people I have never forgotten and don’t intend to lose track of again.

I previously wrote about 2008’s life lessons and you, 2009, ended up being no exception. I’m just hoping 2010 finds me evolved enough to bestow opportunities for happiness rather than personal growth. Don’t get me wrong, I recognize that I am a continual work in progress but geez oh Pete, I could use a break!

Because life is comprised of moments in time…seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years like you, 2009, it is to be expected that there are highs and lows. During most of your 365 days, I felt as if I didn’t have any solid ground beneath my feet and it wasn’t because I was soaring with glee; but rather because I felt I couldn't establish traction in most areas of my life...and I need stability in order to be content.

2010 – I know I’ve bragged about being stubborn and determined in the past and while those traits are still ever present, I am also humble and willing to admit my faults and shortcomings. Yes, I responded to 2009’s beginning with a “grab the bull by the horns” mentality but I recognize that I do not have all the answers or even always know the best way to find them. I promise to show up like a grown up and do my part if you will kindly guide me toward a smoother, lighter path. Deal?

Respectfully,

Jessica

Happy Birthday to Me!

2009-12-24T00:26:00.004-06:00

For my 36th birthday, I gave myself a mammogram and a new Blackberry. The former wasn't nearly as "horrible" as I feared it to be and the latter has been everything I hoped it would be.

Thanks to all the family and friends who made my day so special - I love you all!

Anticipation

2009-12-08T08:03:00.000-06:00

You know that saying about closed doors and open windows?

Totally true...

Yup

2009-11-29T10:31:00.002-06:00

"The truth will set you free but first it will piss you off." - Gloria Steinem

Rising

2009-11-15T00:57:00.007-06:00

Fall down seven times, stand up eight. - Japanese Proverb

This Week

2009-11-12T21:33:00.004-06:00

I had productive business meetings.

I got to take in the wonderful fall weather in the Southeast.

I ate homemade soul food - fried this-and-that - and washed it all down with iced tea (AKA, the table wine of the South).

I worked a gazillion crossword puzzles.

I toured the birthplace and youth home of Martin Luther King, Jr. Wow.

I took myself to a movie.

I drove through mountainous areas with beautiful tree colors - vibrant even through the downpour of rain.

I also nursed a broken heart.

Sign Along Historic Route 66

2009-10-28T22:40:00.004-05:00

Fall Day On A Farm

2009-10-28T00:04:00.004-05:00

Oh The Places You'll Go, Dylan

2009-09-24T20:28:00.010-05:00

I realize I must have been a sight...

A high school Junior - belly full of baby and arm full of books.

They stared when they passed; I could feel it. With false comfort and forced pride, I would maintain a forward gaze and walk with a deliberate step.

One time, a guy - some kid I recognized from class but didn't really know - pulled over and offered me a ride. I was simultaneously touched and embarrassed by the gesture.

"Thanks" I smiled widely, "but it's the doctor's orders." I remember being surprised by the lie and yet impressed by the manner in which it nearly delivered itself.

I had been without a car for awhile - my very first one, a $250 investment, died a couple of months after purchase...and so I walked. To school, from school. To the store. To your grandmothers. To friends' houses.

I finished high school and logged a few college semesters before opting to just work full time. I was more concerned with providing for you than I was my education [the direct link between the two being obvious and yet overwhelming at the same time].

I went back for my degree when you were 13. It felt ideal - you were more self sufficient with an active social life and I thought (I hoped) it would make an impression.

All those times I carried you and my books back and forth from high school, I couldn't imagine the day I would help you pack for college...

I couldn't fathom loading your belongings and transporting them to a new home - a new room - a new life (for the record, I will always remember that drive and be grateful you chose conversation over music)...

You hung posters and a dry erase calendar on your walls. You asked me the date (Aug 18) and then filled it in - promptly marking through the rest of the week with "Party - - - - - >"....

"Your mama nearly walked you to death!" That's what your grandmother said the first time you were placed in her arms.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other, kiddo.

I'm proud of you,

Mom

Allegorically Speaking

2009-09-17T12:00:00.002-05:00

Blog draft dated February 2009

The earth was soft below my feet with the occasional fallen branch or dry leaf cracking underneath my step. It was cold but the day offered plenty of sunshine and hardly any wind. I buried my gloved hands into my pockets for additional warmth, silently wishing I had a tissue.

Nearby, the dog – now unleashed – cocked her head to question a distant sound. She stood frozen like a statue, alert and vigilant until the spell was broken by the call of her name.

We exchanged small talk as we walked and eventually came upon an open clearing. After studying a unique piece of wood, he tossed it for the dog to retrieve and then met her as she bounded back. They playfully squared off and within seconds both were on the ground – intertwined and rolling among the leaves. Their antics made me smile and my amusement reverberated around us.

He brushed himself off before continuing our ascent of the hill. The countless trees along the way looked stripped and brittle – the vacant campsites revealed memories of previous visitors.

He asked if I had a tissue.

Quite unexpectedly, I stumbled when my foot met a protruding rock and we both laughed at my clumsy recovery. He had warned me to be careful as the trail was knobby and uncertain with stones and roots. I found it a shame, really, to have to concentrate so much on the path - - I wanted to be able to roam freely. I wanted to look around and take in my surroundings.

It occurred to me that perhaps it is a wise traveler who knows when to admire the horizon and when to cautiously watch their step...

For now, I will follow my feet but as I find comfort in the passage and the moment feels right, I will raise my head and trust that I know where I am going.

Update - September 17, 2009

Destination still unknown but my head is raised and my heart poised toward every moment.

Turns out I don't have to know where I'm going to revel in the journey.

It's A Boy!

2009-09-02T09:46:00.013-05:00

These fine people....

Have made me the godmother for their precious Charlie....

Considering my own "baby" has just flown the nest, the timing of this honor feels perfect!

Dear Charlie,

Long before you arrived, I loved your mom as my dearest friend. Then you happened and I found I loved you, too - - not just because you are a such a wonderful blend of your mom and dad but because you are also so uniquely you. I can't wait to continue watching your personality develop and unfold.

I am grateful to be a part of your life - I intend to be there every step of the way.

Aunt Jess

It's The Little Things

2009-08-27T14:53:00.004-05:00

...that make our day.

Like looking to your left at a stoplight and seeing this:

You Can Go Now

2009-08-20T23:17:00.006-05:00

I find it not so ironic that it was exactly one year ago today that I wrote this post.

I reread it and reflected on that first day of kindergarten; a memory so vivid, it's as if it only just happened. As long as I live, I will never forget how he needed me to leave him to the moment....

"You can go now, mom."

13 years later, I made sure his cupboards and gas tank were full and then I left him again - this time in his first ever apartment (the only sign of his absentee roommate was a wrapped McDonald's cheeseburger and a couple of Yoo-Hoos in the fridge).

He is the master of his destiny now...a college student.

I was grateful for the immediate business trip that required my time and attention. Grateful for the exhausted evenings I fell asleep in three different hotel rooms. Grateful that I refrained from calling him again that first evening.

It's not so weird to come home to a house where he doesn't live anymore just yet; he's been out most evenings all summer. But when Sunday arrives and he's still not here....and then Wednesday....

I haven't been upstairs yet. I haven't looked in his room at all he left behind [a mess at that]. I don't want the illusion that he's going to be returning soon and that's what his room looks like - as if he just stepped away momentarily.

I claimed I was ready for this moment and, in most ways, I think I was....I am. But when it finally knocks at your door and it's not just your first child to go away to college, it's your only child - and when the two of you have practically raised each other - when you have been through so much together - when you are so close.....

I am reminded of this blog entry from September of 2006 where I wrote:

He is growing up. As much as I would love to pull him in and affix him to a stronger apron string, I know that I have to give him room where he is still attached but more loosely so; I have to love him enough not to buffer him from important life lessons and experiences.

In a selfish effort to protect my own feelings, though, I also hope the slack knot spares me at least some of the pain when he finally breaks free.

Guess what? It didn't.

Aha

2009-08-05T12:54:00.006-05:00

Me: I'm going to see Leslie's baby, Charlie, tonight.

Colleague: How old is he now?

Me: Two months. Oh, and on Saturday afternoon, I'm going to meet my friend Julie's kids for the first time. I'm planning on playing with Ellie and Ada this weekend, too.

[Pause]

Me: Wow. I've planned a lot of kiddo interaction of late. Interesting.

Colleague: Think it has anything to do with Dylan going off to college in a couple of weeks?

This light bulb moment brought to you courtesy of...

Receiving Free Psychology From Co-Workers and Friends

On Top of the World

2009-08-03T21:17:00.025-05:00

Montana was everything I hoped it would be...the mountains, the water, the wonderful mixture of warm days and cool evenings and, of course, the great big sky. I loved the fresh air, the audible creeks and falls...the way the wildflowers dotted the landscape like candy.

We walked the streets of Missoula, Big Fork and Whitefish. We had lunch on a patio overlooking the mighty Flathead lake. We bought 3 lbs of fresh cherries from a roadside vendor - their smooth, red skin a beautiful contrast to her sage colored eyes. We sat in stands and watched a rodeo in Columbia Falls. We played pool, raised glasses and shared laughs with the locals. We hiked, clapping our hands and shouting hey bear as we rounded corners; we camped and drank water from glacier fed lakes.

It was amazing.

Sure, you could ask me to post only my top few pics but that would be totally impossible.

We were in the backcountry for 3 days and 2 nights - we saw bears on the side of the road - but not the trails. According to a park ranger, that means they are being "good bears."

My favorite part of Glacier National Park - Elizabeth lake. This was taken at the "foot" of it - we camped here the second night.

Dawn Mist Falls

Mist rising up to meet the mountains

Belly River

Bear grass overlooking Ptarmigan lake

Me - on top of the world !

Mobile Uploads

2009-07-07T23:27:00.008-05:00

....from one week of work travel:

Live Southern Oak - Savannah, GA

Peach Water Tower - Spartanburg, SC

(Note that "Cowpens" is only 10 miles away)

I've Never Been So Excited To Find A Gas Station - Middle of Nowhere, GA

Harbor at the Hotel - Charleston, SC

Hotel Window View - Boston, MA

R.I.P

2009-06-28T22:45:00.008-05:00

Photos I took at a cemetery over the weekend...

Nothing Says "Thanks, Mom, for 18 Years of Raising"

2009-05-28T20:24:00.003-05:00

....like a headlock:

Dear Saddam Hussein

2009-05-21T01:05:00.007-05:00

No, not the deceased Iraqi dictator, the other Saddam Hussein - the one who graduated with my son last week...

Since my kid is a "W", I thought I had plenty of time to use the bathroom among all the "H's" being called. I excused myself from my seat in the stands and began descending the concrete stairs in my ultra cute, strappy sandals - the same shoes I had difficulty staying in all day at work - just moments before your name was called.

While I am terribly sorry about the few complete idiots who booed and snickered when you walked across the stage to collect your high school diploma, I am rather grateful for the unfortunate nature of your name as it was the ONLY thing that shifted the attention away from me when I, once again, slipped out of my shoe and not only stumbled down a concrete stair or two, but the entire flight.

Per my sister, "you didn't just fall, you KEPT falling."

Thanks for taking the shock and shit, Saddam, so I could scurry to my feet, wipe my red face, and run my black and blue ass to the bathroom.

And to my son (who loves a good fall), I'm sorry you missed it. It was a doozy.

I love you, Dylan. Happy Graduation.

I'll Cross That Bridge When I Come To It

2009-05-11T17:03:00.008-05:00

Senior Prom

2009-04-28T00:48:00.014-05:00

Not that you would necessarily ever forget, Dylan, but to help you remember (you know, when you are no longer so young and carefree), you dated a lovely, smart and very funny girl named Alex for quite some time your Junior and Senior years; there is something about the fact that the formal prom pictures from both grades include her that appeals to me.

I think it's too easy for adults to negate teen love but, in my opinion, it's as real and as important to you as our relationships are to us. One of the things I admire so much about you and Alex is the fact that the two of you are such genuinely good friends. This fall, as you each embark on college - going separate ways to different schools - I know it will be hard. I was so impressed and proud of your mutual decision to call it quits beforehand....no need to "run it into the ditch" you both agreed.

Still, you have the summer yet...

When you asked her to prom a few weeks ago, you printed a bunch of photos of the two of you over the last couple of years and put them into a romantic looking album. The very last picture she encountered as she thumbed through (no doubt smiling from ear to ear) was this one:

....and it all paid off in the beautiful, fun event that was your Senior prom:

Also, not that you would ever forget but - among the sea of tuxedos and billowy dresses that posed around Faust Park prior to the main event - you (AKA - my kid) were the only one carrying around a cheap, blow up doll:

I was relieved she was, at least, dressed (and Alex's corsage doesn't count).

Dear Mr. Sedaris

2009-04-22T22:59:00.012-05:00

Thank you for a wonderful evening at Powell Symphony Hall - as always, your readings were very entertaining.

I wanted to apologize for being an apparent nuisance during your book signing. I would never be so arrogant as to assume you've ever read my blog, let alone that you would find my writing about you to be very provoking but I must admit that I couldn't help feeling singled out tonight...

I could have sworn I saw multiple flashes going off in your direction when I opted to pull my camera out and capture a shot of you penning your name and a quick dedication to an adoring fan. Little did I know that your.....handler....would approach me so aggressively and threaten to break my legs.

Okay, he didn't actually threaten to break my legs but in a tone that was highly unnecessary and with a face so full of contempt that - for a brief moment - I felt as if I had sneaked into the event rather than paid over $100 to be there, he warned me that if I so much as thought about snapping another picture, he'd rip the camera right out of my hands.

I reviewed my ticket again - just in case I had missed the caution against photography but there was no such a rule or regulation to be found. As I drew closer in line, I was within proximity of the ~~asshole~~ agent and we made eye contact once again. Embarrassed, I stammered, "....sorry....I didn't realize...." He forced one corner of his mouth into a phony smile and hastily replied, "We normally have a sign out but, clearly, it's not here tonight."

Clearly.

Although it wasn't the best way to start the evening, I know my friends will love your personalized autograph [Dear Leslie and Charles, I am so angry to have missed you! DS] and your interaction with my son more than made up for the previous sour note:

Sedaris greeting Dylan

DS: Would you like a chocolate Easter bunny?

Son: No thank you.

Me: I'LL TAKE ONE, DAVID!

DS: How old are you?

Son: 18

DS: You still in high school?

Son: Yes, sir...senior year.

DS: Well, I have a gift for you - a little something I bring for the teenagers that show up.

David Sedaris then reaches into a large, plastic bag and produces a long list of condoms. He tears one off and hands it to Dylan....

Son: [Laughing] Thank you, Mr. Sedaris.

DS: You sure you don't want a piece of chocolate? Perhaps to lure the object of your affection?

Me: I'LL TAKE ONE, DAVID!

And, on that note, I grabbed another bunny as my son extended his hand across the table and David Sedaris very genuinely accepted it.

...And Then I'll Shut Up

2009-04-16T16:28:00.006-05:00

My LAST post about Writers Week (pinky promise). I was commenting on the site today - which has evolved into the most wonderful community - and noted some photos that were taken.

Visit this blog/post for my favorites of my friend and WW organizer, Jodi.

Me Speaking

Me with the Trophy I Earned for This

Humbled

2009-04-15T10:36:00.004-05:00

Just when I thought I was finished with Writers Week, a student left a comment on the website summarizing her thoughts about the event. Her compliments on my presentation were incredibly kind but it was the sentiment she expressed re: her previous writing filter that made my hair stand up:

Thoughts going round and round in one's head ready to take flight to let the world know what is aching at their heart and what shouts from their soul. Suddenly the thoughts come to a screeching halt at the person's sudden need to filter before putting thoughts to words then words to paper. This is me. This is how my brain works. This is how I've allowed my brain to function when writing. Therefor I've never truly wrote from my heart. I like to 'filter out', as Dan Begley put it in his presentation, certain details and names so that I won't hurt any one's feelings. Which turns a piece of writing filled with such emotion and passion to something not worth looking at twice, or maybe even at all.

But you see....this WAS me. After experiencing writers week it made me realize that writing should come from the heart and be completely honest. People shouldn't write to please the reader but instead to please themselves. It's difficult to try to depict to you what all I gained from Writers Week, it affected me on many different levels. I had a roller coaster of emotions as I sat through the number of presenters that had me in tears, cheers, and even a permanent smile from some of their humorous writings. Most of the presenters that I had seen, inspired and stirred my emotions in different ways. While others did fall short and completely bore me. I will do my best at explaining to you some of my favorite presenters of what all I had seen over the course of the week.......

-JESSICA PRINCE
What an awesome way to start out writers week!! She was real, she was true, she was honest, she wasn't trying to make herself or her writing out to be something it wasn't. I could tell in the way she at times had to pause before she spoke of her son who she absolutely loved and adored, or the uneasiness in her voice when talking about her relationship with her mom. She wasn't FILTERING out the ugliness of her life or things some would be ashamed of. That to me was inspiring and beautiful beyond words to have the courage to put herself out there like that, wearing her heart on her sleeve for the world to see.

I connected to Jessica's writings and life more than any other presenter. I immediately connected when one of the first things she said was, "writing makes sense out of the chaos in my life." Although all my writing up to this point has been filtered, I still wrote to release my emotions that were at breaking points during my times of depression, struggles, family problems, and overall the battle I like to call LIFE. Hearing the story of her drunken mother on the day of the birth of her first child, immediately stopped me in time and took me back to memories of my own. Flashbacks of my own father who has battled an alcohol addiction and always seemed to naturally have a binge at the worst times such as birthdays, first communions, and even his own son's graduation, this alone brought me to tears. I could feel her pain, anger, frustration she had with her mother at that moment. I remember those feelings all too well that were due to my father having a drunken episode at the special moments in my life when I needed him most.

She goes on to credit Seth Jarman as well as the student and faculty presenters of Hazelwood West. What an amazing feeling to think that the WW experience allowed her to not only open up but to WRITE from that space.

The thoughts/feelings/impact of WW just keep unfolding; it makes me so proud of my friend, Jodi, and incredibly humbled to have been a part of it.

A Conversation With

2009-04-09T17:28:00.007-05:00

....Augusten Burroughs (as he signs my book):

Me: I had a pretty F'd up childhood, too, Augusten.

Him: Oh yeah?

Me: Yep. I'm also thinkin' about writing it all down...I just have to wait til my mom dies.

Him: Write it now...maybe it'll kill her.

Recordatio

2009-04-07T16:39:00.001-05:00

Our moments are becoming stretched by time and distance.
Once readily available, I now stand on the tips of my toes to brush them with my fingers.

They are delicately precious to me and I, in return, am careful with them.
Like fine china perched high upon a shelf can be suddenly compromised by an eager hand, I fear my reach will disturb their content.

I will endeavor to preserve them as they elongate; protecting them from the distortion of multiple seasons. Regardless of their span, I know I will refer to them throughout my days.

Your name is written on my life.

Tooting My Own Horn

2009-04-06T09:29:00.016-05:00

The Writers Week experience was tremendous - thank you - again - Jodi, for having me; I am so proud of what you accomplished.

The students of Hazelwood West were attentive and polite - they were warm and welcoming; I got so many great questions from them at the end - - they absolutely made my week!

It was also wonderful to have my son present in the audience. For so long, my blog was a secret to him and to stand in front of not only (approx) 450 high school students but HIM as well and talk about my blog and read pieces from it was an amazing feeling.

The posts I chose to read (selected from a writing perspective) were:

Making the Grade
Witnessing Love
That Which Resonates
Hindsight
Dear Son
Entitlement

I really wanted to share Making the Grade and Entitlement because both contain writing samples from when I was a teenager. I was particularly proud to produce the actual trophy I had won at the end of Entitlement - - there was an audible gasp somewhere in the audience that made my heart smile.

In fact, the only thing that warmed me more was reading student comments on the WW website afterward:

My Mom had me when she was seventeen years old, and never have I been able to put myself in her shoes. The insight that you provided with your entries regarding Dylan helped me gain a perspective on what my Mom was going through 17 1/2 years ago.

You did a lovely job today and you most likely brought strength to many students who have had a tough childhood like your own. Thank you so much for sharing!

Jessica is a strong women who has overcame such a hard time in her life and now she is able to share her stories with readers who can relate and gain strength through her works.

Wow...what a great writer! Jessica did an amazing job talking to everybody. I was engaged at every word that came out of her mouth.

You were honestly my favorite of all of the presenters for Writer's Week, because your writing really hit home.

All of your work was absolutely incredible to listen to, and I wanted to thank you for coming to our school.

Photographs and Memories

2009-04-01T12:05:00.002-05:00

This is a photo of me (the baby) with my brother, Scott and sister, Lisa. I love the way Scott is beaming at me but I'm slightly unsettled by Lisa's partial appearance.

She is captured the way her life unfolded - just on the edge without full investment. She appears....incidental.

She died five years ago yesterday.

I miss her.

Wish Me Luck

2009-03-29T13:36:00.006-05:00

I've always admired people who not only know their "calling" but actively pursue it by finding a way - personally and/or professionally - to incorporate that purpose into their life.

When I reflect on what I found to be meaningful at a very early age, images of the 8 - 10 year old me plucking poetry on an old typewriter are the first to come to mind. I remember setting up a little work space in my bedroom. I remember using my index fingers to put my thoughts on the paper. I remember reciting my work to my mother, proudly confident in my abilities. I remember feeling comfortable in the certainty that writing was inherently part of me.

And yet, I have never referred to myself as a writer. I'm not entirely sure why but it always felt like a title I had not yet earned....an identity, in fact, I might never realize. I've simply never been comfortable making such a claim.

Consequently, I was taken aback when my close friend, Jodi, invited me to participate in the upcoming Writer's Week at her school. There will be many people presenting their work and their writing process for the program (to include students) and I felt so honored that Jodi asked me to represent blogging. The fact that this woman - this TEACHER OF THE YEAR - would think highly enough of me, my writing and my blog to trust me to speak to students and fellow faculty positively humbles me.

Thank you, Jodi...for being a friend, for listening, for sharing your life with me.

Thank you for including me in Writer's Week - a program you have worked so hard to pull together.

Thank you for the opportunity to share something I love as much as writing with others...and thank you for not only thinking of me as a writer but for allowing me to finally consider myself in such a role.

Actual link: http://hazelwoodwestwritersweek.ning.com/forum/topics/jessica-prince-thursday-april

What Comes Around Goes Around

2009-03-13T15:22:00.005-05:00

Recent e-mail exchange with my girlfriend, Leslie - who is pregnant with her first child, a baby boy named Charlie:

Me: Hey, Les - I hate to do so but I'm going to need to cancel yoga and dinner Thursday evening. Dylan leaves for Cancun, Mexico (gulp) Friday morning and we are going to spend the evening together.

Les: That's fine - I completely understand. He'll be fine, Jess. He really really will. Dylan. Will. Be. Fine. (repeat until he lands back down at Lambert airport)

Remind me of how fine I think this is 18 years from now, okay? *wink*

Me: Feel free to save this and read in 18 years:

Dear Leslie,

I understand Charlie will be boarding a plane for Cancun Mexico next week - AWESOME! It's a shame you and Charles couldn't go as chaperons - I remember how much better I would have felt if I could have attended Dylan's senior trip.

Speaking of, please don't let Dylan's Cancun antics sway you from allowing Charlie to run wild, er, I mean free...seriously, the kid is only going to have ONE senior trip, right? Right?!

Besides, Dylan said the stomach pumping wasn't that painful and he only had to endure three nights in the Mexican prison. Yes, it was costly to replace all of his upper teeth but we were able to comfortably afford it with the profits from the sex video he made while there.

Anyway, I'm sure Charlie will be fine - just fine! Gosh, they grow up so fast, don't they?

Love,
Jess

I Am The Warrior

2009-03-05T14:08:00.001-06:00

Draft dated August 2008 - never posted (until now)

I’m in the child pose with my forehead pressed to the ground when I realize the mat I’m on smells like sweaty feet…..and it isn’t my feet.

Just as I’m making a mental note to purchase my own mat, we are directed to move into “table” and then the downward dog position.

We hold our bodies in “dog” for a moment before transitioning into “cat” and then we begin alternating between the two. At one point, the instructor places her hands on my hips and pulls them toward the ceiling; I instantly note the difference in my body. Next, she tugs on my tee-shirt to smooth it and runs her hand along my spine for inspection. Her touch is guiding and feels maternal.

It’s only my second yoga class and I’m struck by the physical and mental exercise it provides. Each time I find myself in an uncomfortable pose, I retract from it slightly and long for an easier, less strenuous arrangement. It takes, in fact, a conscientious effort on my part to avoid the instinct of withdrawal and fully participate in the discomfort. This strikes me as so natural, so instinctually human that I realize how closely it correlates to life.

For two weeks now, I’ve come to this class unsure about what I’m doing. I’ve challenged my body to contort in ways it has never considered and tried in earnest to focus on the task at hand. I have felt, at times, stretched beyond my comfort but know I will eventually gain endurance and flexibility – just as I have severely wobbled with futility on occasion and am looking forward to the balance which will, inevitably, be acquired through practice.

A lot like life, indeed.

Near the end of class, the instructor leads us into the warrior position. With its strong stature and powerful connotation, I think it might be my favorite. Upon hearing the descriptive analogy for it, however, I know it is…

The warrior - - with one foot pointed toward the future and the other planted firmly in the past, arms extended in both directions - your heart and core are the center of the pose indicating their position in the present...exactly where they belong.

My Cat Is A Free Loader

2009-02-26T13:31:00.008-06:00

Some of you might remember my cat, Dave. Although he has been my beloved pet for nearly seven years, I'm starting to become really annoyed by his lethargic disposition. More and more often, he is neglecting to pull his weight around the house or even participate in family events. By example...

This is the day I asked him to do the laundry:

Every time I checked his progress, he was napping. "I'm just taking a quick five" he kept insisting.

Tuesdays are usually his day to vacuum (hey, it's his hair on the floor) but I came home the other day to dirty carpet and this:

He claimed he forgot. "Keep it up, pal" I warned, "I'll teach you a lesson by forgetting to feed you!"

Ironically, it's not just "work" he avoids; when the family recently sat down to play a good ol' board game, Dave couldn't be bothered with it:

His excuse? He couldn't pick up the game tiles. Something about not having opposable thumbs. L-A-M-E.

Before last weekend, I was only mildy irritated by his incessant laziness but now I'm downright outraged. Apparently, even though one doesn't have the energy for chores or family time, they make a "miraculous recovery" when Mardi Gras rolls around. The nerve:

Stroll Down Memory Lane

2009-02-23T20:48:00.003-06:00

While looking for something this evening, I stumbled on a box of old high school documents and had nearly forgotten these haiku I wrote in tenth grade:

The small boy

pleaded with the moon

to come down

***

The woman

with tangled, damp hair

smiled at birth

***

The mountains of life

rigid and domineering

are well worth the climb

Dear Prospective Bride and Groom

2009-02-21T17:15:00.009-06:00

If you are going to have a photo booth AND an open bar at your wedding reception, do not invite these characters:

[Dear Nathan - my brother from another mother - sorry I didn't ask your permission before posting.....I assumed it was okay]

For Valentine's Day

2009-02-14T18:18:00.003-06:00

.....a translated Japanese poem from a book whose journey to me is a story for another time:

Shinoburedo
Iro ni ide ni keri
Waga koi wa
Mono ya omou to
Hito no tou made

Although I hide it
My love shows in my face
So plainly that he asks me,
"Are you thinking of something?"

Like [My] Father, Like [My] Son

2009-02-02T21:19:00.004-06:00

I noticed years ago that my dad and my son have the same cowlick but I finally managed to capture it on camera at my son's recent basketball game:

Son

Dad

Then and Now

2009-01-25T19:38:00.005-06:00

Leslie,

Four years ago, we celebrated your 30th birthday in New Orleans and found ourselves enjoying French Quarter piano and swing bars. I was thrilled to SURPRISE you last night and do the same in good ol' Saint Louis.

Birthday 2005

Birthday 2009

I'm looking forward to this new, exciting chapter of your life - - you are going to be an excellent mother.

I love you,

Jess

For Emily....and Me

2009-01-13T23:08:00.004-06:00

Emily Dickinson said, "I like a look of agony because I know it's true...."

I took this picture months ago at a low, painful point.

I'm posting it because of its honesty.

I'm posting it because I don't necessarily want to forget how I felt.

I'm posting it out of gratitude for how far I've come.

Desiderata ("Desired Things")

2009-01-05T16:31:00.003-06:00

My father has always loved the Desiderata and considered it is his guideline and belief system for life. When this wonderful piece of prose recently found its way into my world again, I felt moved to post it:

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Whew!

2009-01-04T21:23:00.008-06:00

7:10 PM - Time I left the house Saturday night to meet up with friends

4:00 AM - Time I arrived home Saturday night/Sunday morning

8:30 AM, 9:45 AM and (finally) 10:30 AM - Times I woke up Sunday morning

11:30 AM - Time I picked my friend, Leslie, up for lunch

1:10 PM - Time I met my son, his girlfriend and her mother for a movie

3:30 PM - Time I started hiking the Chubb trail with a friend

5:30 PM - Time I swung by the house to pick my sister up for Dylan's hockey game

6:30 PM - Time we watched his game

8:15 PM - Time I had dinner with my sister

9:30 PM - Time I got home tonight

9:45 PM - Time I intend to be asleep!!

Dear 2008

2009-01-01T21:05:00.005-06:00

You were hard on me but I'm not complaining - - the lessons learned and experiences had were probably required reading for my life. Granted, you rapped the hell out of my knuckles on more than one occasion but I became a stronger, smarter person during your tenure. In that regard, I owe a lot to you. Thanks.

Oh, and 2009...nice to meet you. If there is any question as to how stubborn, determined and resilient I am, I hope you were able to confer with '08 on your way in. I'm not only ready for you and whatever you've got, I intend to OWN you.

In fact, I intend to make you one of my best years yet.

With love and anticipation - Jessica

35

2008-12-27T16:38:00.011-06:00

I was so fortunate this year to have so many good friends and family with whom to celebrate recent events. The cards (for both Christmas and my birthday) kept rolling in....

I'm now officially 35 and, although I'm comfortably happy about it, it's no secret that I'm not going to get any younger. Given this fact, I was pleased when fate recently stepped in and made an executive, romantic decision in my life. I have a friend who became an [online] ordained minister and ever since this achievement, it seems he has a "twitchy marrying finger." Without giving it much conscious thought, his hand will rise, point to two unsuspecting individuals and marry them on the spot. It appears pretty random and completely uncontrollable.

Anyway, I attended a party not long ago and was enjoying the company of a very handsome man when my minister pal entered the room. He spotted the two of us on the couch, all cozy and close, and within a nanosecond, his finger flew in our direction as he mumbled something and - BAM - we were joined in holy matrimony. Shocking, yes but true love isn't always predictable.

Don't we make the cutest couple:

Witnessing Love

2008-12-15T22:22:00.006-06:00

Who can say how long they had been apart but their reunion is nearly palpable. After a long, sincere embrace and passionate kiss, they stand facing each other. Smack in the middle of traffic from other passengers whose flights have just landed, they are like a large rock in the middle of a rushing stream with all the energy dividing around their solid, stable existence.

More than her eyes take him in...even her hands are remembering his features as she clasps them on each side of his face; one remains on his cheek while the other wanders through his hair in a repetitive pattern of mussing and then smoothing it.

She adores him.

Their private moment goes on so long that I am simultaneously uncomfortable and jealous.

***

She is peering into the store window, oblivious to the hustle and bustle of the holiday shoppers. Something inside the shop has caught her eye and he has spotted an opportunity. I watch him grinning to himself as he creeps up behind her and quietly spreads his arms, their impressive span waiting to take her in.

It happens fast - he grabs, she squeals - laughter ensues by both.

In one fluid motion, he spins her in circles and she leans her head back onto his chest, her surprised giggles silenced by their own depth. She is completely and safely at home in his arms; trusting and loved.

He sets her down and they pass me. I smile as she takes his hand and says...

"That was fun, daddy."

Cash - Our Buddy, Our Boy

2008-11-20T16:55:00.007-06:00

"Who is going to take care of this dog when you two go off to school?" I kept asking.

As I drove to the vet Tuesday night, I found myself crying and thinking I will! I will! Just let him be okay.

Dylan found him in June...only a few months old and trying to negotiate traffic on a busy road. I was quickly impressed by how Dylan and his girlfriend stepped up to the plate and took nearly all the physical and financial responsibility for him.

He left our lives the same way he came into them...suddenly - unexpectedly.

The driver of the car was kind enough to stop by the next day and inquire about his condition - "I'm so sorry" he said, "I never even saw him."

The pain of my own attachment is trumped by watching Dylan grieve the loss of the first dog that was ever truly his.

Even the cat loved him.

The way to love anything is to realize it might be lost - G.K. Chesterton

Written In Blood

2008-11-12T21:00:00.004-06:00

Dear Dylan -

You are wasting no time in utilizing your "adult" status. I don't mind admitting that, when you mentioned a tattoo a few months ago, my stomach knotted up a bit. Yes, I know...I have tattoos myself but it's different when you're the one with the young, devil-may-care attitude - - it's different, somehow, when it comes to your kids.

When you're a parent, you'll understand.

I must admit, I liked your selection and knew it was significant to you. Even though you have quite a bit of German, Welsh and Native American Indian in your lineage, you long ago decided to only truly embrace your Irish roots and have been fortunate enough to visit the country twice.

A few years ago, we traced some of your ancestors to Northern Ireland's County Armagh - - your people were, in fact, among the first settlers to the area. Since that discovery, you have plastered the County crest on various skateboards, snowboards and notebooks; come to think of it, I guess Armagh's coat of arms was a pretty natural choice.

Still, even with the highest quality of work (thanks to Brad Fink of Iron Age) and such a meaningful memento, it was difficult and a little sad - as your mom - to imagine your body being permanently marked.

I even found myself needing to preserve the memory of your "virgin" arm:

I made you promise that you would wait YEARS before having additional "work" done - and, in truth, I don't think I'll have a problem holding you to that. This two hour tattoo proved to be pretty painful for you - - about halfway through, your grandpa and I were unable to joke with you or idly chat as you grew increasingly irritable.

You didn't even crack a grin when grandpa teased, "Just wait til you find out you're really Polish."

Last year, I had a tree planted on a hill in Armagh with your name on it. I presented you with the certificate and photo Christmas morning.

The recorded dedication to you reads....

"Like this tree, may you also grow strong and prosper wherever you are planted. Love, Mom."

Happy Veterans Day

2008-11-11T12:36:00.002-06:00

...to my favorite veteran

I love you, dad

Tree Hugger*

2008-11-06T12:12:00.013-06:00

....at least that's how I felt on one occasion last Sunday when my dear friends, Matt and Jen, invited me to climb an Alpine Tower in Pacific, MO. We had an ABSOLUTE BLAST and I cannot wait to go again!

The harnesses may not be attractive, but we ROCKED this tower!

I'm thinking: We are going to totally ROCK this tower!

My ascent

I'm thinking: This is easy peasy

*The "title" moment

I'm thinking: This is no longer easy peasy...I'm going to die

Almost there

I'm thinking: I'm never going to make it!

This rope ladder was nearly a mistake - there was NOTHING to pull yourself up with

I'm thinking: This robe ladder was a HUGE mistake!

I made it!

I'm thinking: Hell, yeah!!!

What goes up, must come down

I'm thinking: I totally trust the 5'2" woman belaying me....I totally trust the 5'2" woman belaying me....I totally trust.....

First Time For Everything, Indeed

2008-11-05T09:05:00.004-06:00

November 4, 2008

My son casting his first vote

Walk The Talk

2008-11-03T08:27:00.003-06:00

That's what I did on Saturday as I canvassed for Obama; it was an amazing experience and I wanted to thank the following people:

Gail - my neighborhood canvassing partner. Together, we hit nearly 60 houses.

Mark and Rob - the two guys I met from CA and NY; they voted absentee in their [already Obama] states and picked MO as their target focus for assistance. They each took a week of vacation and are working the local campaign through tomorrow. I was so impressed by them.

The gentleman from Chicago - the only reason he was in St. Louis for the weekend was because his daughter had a softball tournament; he said the best thing he thought he could do was miss her game.

The lady biking her heart out down Conway who shouted, "I appreciate what you are doing!" as she blew past me.

The woman who rolled her car window down, waved her fist in the air, smiled and yelled, "Obama!"

The man who said he and his wife were voting McCain but admitted that his three children and their spouses were Obama supporters. He bid me well as I walked down his drive (one so long he said they don't even get trick-or-treaters) and kindly offered, "I think your guy is going to win."

The woman who confirmed she was voting for Obama but, when asked if she could spare a few hours to volunteer, replied, "I really can't....but thank you for doing it."

The McCain leaning friend of mine who has been teasing me with tongue-in-cheek comments for the last couple of weeks for his text saying, "Frankly speaking, I admire what you are doing."

What amazing weather we had and what good people with whom to share in the moment. I was proud to be among them and proud that - today - my son is volunteering his time to the campaign of his own accord without so much as a suggestion or prod from me. I was sitting next to him when he took the call: "This is he......yes, I'll be voting for him on Tuesday.......sure, I can help. When?"

GO OBAMA!

Overdue But More Appropriate Than Ever

2008-10-28T14:07:00.014-05:00

So I'm WAY behind on blogging about my trip to Salem, MA with the lovely and wonderful Sandra - - but given the fact that this week is Halloween, perhaps the timing is perfect.

Many great photos of Salem can be found on Sandra's blog (from multiple trips, even) but here are a few from ours:

Salem is rich with Irish heritage - evident on our bike taxi driver's calf

Creepy, older than dirt tombstone in a Salem cemetery

Speaking of creepy, Sandra chats up a local

Per Sandra, stay away from the witch museum unless Montgomery Ward mannequins dressed in Puritan clothing appeal to you

The witch trial memorial - each bench represents a persecuted victim; a very subtly powerful monument (note the rose laid to rest on the right)

In the garden of the House of Seven Gables - right before Hannah blew in a massive storm

Some people in Salem might get around on broomsticks but Sandra and I preferred these kind of "flights"

[We kept getting asked if we were sisters which perplexed both of us at the time but, in looking at the above photo, I think I get it now]

I loved strolling the streets of this quaint town and popping into all the unique shops with Sandra (still waiting on the money luck from the oil we rubbed onto our wallets at the famed Laurie Cabot's The Cat, The Crow and The Crown). We ate good food, learned all sorts of interesting tidbits and met really nice people - - I don't know if I'll have the occasion to visit as often as Sandra has, but I definitely look forward to going back.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

TGIF

2008-10-24T11:58:00.006-05:00

After a long week, I was reading blogs during lunch and found this on a good friend's site and opted to snatch it for my own:

Ten Things I Wish I Could Say to Ten Different People Right Now

1. I forgive you
2. I hope you'll forgive me
3. I love you, Lisa
4. I miss you, sis - Germany is so lucky to have you
5. I care about you and am concerned about the choices you are making
6. Hi
7. I need your help
8. I haven't gotten to see you in a very long time, sweetie, but I think about you every single day
9. I adore the way you laugh
10. Why, yes Clive...I will marry you

Nine Things About Myself

1. My dreams are very vivid and very detailed
2. I've been through a lot in my life but only recently came to recognize and appreciate my strength
3. I have the best friends in the whole wide world
4. I'm really trying not to be so stubborn
5. I sometimes feel ready for anything and prepared for nothing
6. I love my job and colleagues
7. I've been exercising a lot more
8. My appetite is back
9. I'm optimistic

Eight Ways to Win My Heart

1. Make me laugh....really laugh
2. Introduce me to something new and interesting
3. Read
4. Be instinctive and intuitive
5. Know and have confidence in who you are
6. Give a good hug
7. Be able to sing along to the radio regardless of the station/genre
8. Listen

Seven Things That Cross My Mind a Lot

1. Family - especially my son and sister
2. Friends
3. Gratitude
4. To-do list
5. Wish list
6. Him
7. Her

Six Things I Do Before I Fall Asleep

1. Check e-mail
2. Kiss my kiddo
3. Brush my teeth/remove make up
4. Read
5. Think a lot about what went right that day - briefly consider what I want to do differently the next
6. Curl up with my cat

Five People Who Mean a Lot (in no particular order!)

1. Dylan
2. Patty
3. Michael
4. Leslie
5. My father

Four Things I'm Wearing Right Now

1. A sweater
2. Jeans
3. Clean underwear ;)
4. A watch

Three Songs I Listen to a Lot

1. Another Train - Pete Morton
2. Don't Think I Don't Think About it - Darius Rucker (the station appears to play it at the same time every day)
3. Volcano - Damien Rice

Two Things I Want to Do Before I Die

1. Travel as much as possible
2. Believe I have lived my life to its fullest

One Confession

1. I don't always come to a complete stop at Stop signs

18

2008-10-21T08:41:00.005-05:00

Dear Dylan,

In four years, this is the first time I've used your name on this blog. To some, it might not make sense given the fact that I've been liberal with photos and stories - - but your name was always something I didn't want to share....a piece of information I chose to hold close.

You were named after Dylan Thomas, a poet I grew to admire in my high school English class and I have always loved your name. I felt it exuded a gentle strength - a trait I hoped would carry you through the world.

....and now you are 18 and the world is waiting.

As you sat before your candles this October 9, no doubt wishing for birthday money, freedom, shoes (where did you get that obsession?), I also wished for you....

I wished that you would continue growing and learning - - I wished that you would always question and challenge that which doesn't feel right in your heart; that you always take responsibility for yourself but never be afraid or too stubborn to ask for help. I wished that you be quick to extend yourself to others and able to endure hardships understanding the wisdom they offer while maintaining a hopeful heart for the good that always, inevitably, follows.

Happy birthday, bub. Here's to you.....here's to embarking on a life well lived.

"Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. It comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday."

- John Wayne

Yes

2008-10-08T08:11:00.003-05:00

This has not turned into a quote blog....but I'm always struck when my "quote of the day" turns out to be so meaningful:

"When love beckons to you, follow him - though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you, yield to him - though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you believe in him - though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden."

- Kahil Gibran

Me, Too

2008-10-07T09:09:00.002-05:00

"I have faith. Faith in our wondrous capacity for hope and good, love and trust, healing and forgiveness. Faith in the blessing of our infinite ability to wonder, question, pray, feel, think and learn. I have faith. Faith in the infinite possibilities of the human spirit."

- - James Brown

Emmy-winning sportscaster and co-host of FOX NFL Sunday

To A Friend

2008-09-23T08:30:00.006-05:00

If this is love, then let it rain - let it rain on me

They can put me up at the gates of all their trouble

It won't change my love, you'll see

I may never know the ways you've tried

To cross the water so wide...

I'm just on your side

Just simply on your side

Yes, I'm on your side

Just simply on your side

And I don't know what led me here or what made us collide

And I still can't see what's really happening

I just take it in my stride

And I'm not looking for salvation

When you try too hard, you're denied...

I'm just on your side

Just simply on your side

Yes, I'm on your side

Just simply on your side

- Pete Morton

Homecoming IV

2008-09-17T14:42:00.006-05:00

Hey, kiddo.....remember your first homecoming? You know, the one where you insisted that you didn't need a tie?

Well, you were the only one without a tie.

And this was after a haircut.

Ah, the second homecoming. Remember this hair? You were so cool. I remember how you didn't want anyone to know you flat ironed it.

[Third year homecoming is here - not featuring the photo since it was of you and me and not your date and you're wearing the same shirt/tie combo - Tsk! Fashion faux pas.]

And it comes down to this - your latest and last homecoming. You are so handsome.

Senior year.....sigh.

I love you,

Mom

Silver Lining

2008-09-09T10:13:00.005-05:00

There's a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in.

- Leonard Cohen

From My Father

2008-08-25T09:50:00.003-05:00

My dad sent this poem to me today and its meaningful importance prompted me to want to share it here.

The Layers

I have walked through many lives,
some of them my own,
and I am not who I was,
though some principle of being
abides, from which I struggle
not to stray.
When I look behind,
as I am compelled to look
before I can gather strength
to proceed on my journey,
I see the milestones dwindling
toward the horizon
and the slow fires trailing
from the abandoned camp-sites,
over which scavenger angels
wheel on heavy wings.
Oh, I have made myself a tribe
out of my true affections,
and my tribe is scattered!
How shall the heart be reconciled
to its feast of losses?
In a rising wind
the manic dust of my friends,
those who fell along the way,
bitterly stings my face.
Yet I turn, I turn,
exulting somewhat,
with my will intact to go
wherever I need to go,
and every stone on the road
precious to me.
In my darkest night,
when the moon was covered
and I roamed through wreckage,
a nimbus-clouded voice
directed me:
"Live in the layers,
not on the litter."
Though I lack the art
to decipher it,
no doubt the next chapter
in my book of transformations
is already written.
I am not done with my changes.

- Stanley Kunitz

Dear Son

2008-08-20T11:09:00.008-05:00

You gave me a teasing smirk as you walked out the door last week and inquired if I was going to cry.

Why?

Because it’s the first day of my senior year.

Oh...that. I'll save my tears for the last day.

And I didn’t cry but will admit to flashing back to your first day of kindergarten. I video taped all the steps that morning…from waking you (and having you shout, “Don’t film me in my underwear!”) to you leaning over your bowl of cereal, milk dripping from your little chin.

I remember how you insisted your lunchbox – Disney’s Hunchback of Notre Dame – be featured on the tape.

You are captured on VHS with your backpack fastened and your nap mat folded under your arm. You are frozen in time as you walk out the door…

“Where are you going?” my voice asks over the recorder.

“School” you shoot back – your voice full of attitude; the kind of tone that says I think I’m so grown up right now.

I remember walking into the gym that morning and locating your circle of classmates. I remember waiting for the teacher to come and retrieve the group. I remember you looking up from your seated position near my feet and, with complete independence and slight embarrassment, saying, “You can go now, mom.”

I remember walking out with quiet tears thinking he seems so grown up right now.

***

I never realized how adept you could be at comforting me until presently when I found you patting my back often and stopping in the stairwell to hug me. I have appreciated you inviting me to do more things with you - your effort at keeping me busy. Even on that one occasion where you caught me grief-stricken and sobbing, the depth of understanding you extended was moving.

I rested my head under your chin and thought, he seems so grown up right now.

***

I recently observed the turmoil of your first job - the lack of organization in scheduling, the scaled back hours that barely afforded you gas money, let alone the fact that you were often the only one expected to actually work. It was frustrating, as a parent, to see how poorly your erratic boss treated you - it was heartbreaking to know the physical reaction you would have from arriving to see his parked vehicle in front, a symbol of a difficult shift ahead. We had many conversations on the matter - discussions about your future professional life and how you will continually come into contact with people you do not like or respect. We talked, at length, about the important lessons to be learned from dealing effectively with such situations. I was adamant, however, that you did not have to endure being belittled. Ever.

No one should.

You stuck with the position for a year and a half before actively considering other opportunities and when you finally gave your two weeks notice, it proved to be a very emotional experience for you.

I was with you when an assistant manager called to suggest you take some time to think things over. You assured him that you had done just that and were confident in your decision. When the assistant manager asked what prompted you, I was waiting (and rooting) for you to diplomatically state your case re: hours, treatment, etc.

“It’s just time I tried something else” you offered instead.

You later confessed the temptation to air your grievances but - as you pointed out - what would it have accomplished? You don't even know this yet but that's called taking the high road.

He seems so grown up right now, I thought.

And, you are in many ways but we have some work ahead of us during your last year of high school - efforts to finish prepping you for the waiting world....the world where I am not as present to assist, save, support, and guide. Of course, I will always be your mom (or, per your most recent term of endearment toward me, mamabear) and, therefore, always available to you - but we are closing in on your real independence where you begin successfully navigating life on your own.

Please wear your seat belt and don't forget your compass. I don't care about the state of your underwear.

Seize every opportunity to laugh and love. Be happy.

You make me proud every single day.

I love you,

Mamabear

Total Random Post Where I Emphasize the Adorable

2008-08-14T23:06:00.009-05:00

I went to see Sarah last weekend thus completing the first trip on my blog tour. I had such fun and felt so comfortable in her home. I can't thank her and Pete enough for having me.

Sarah and Pete = adorable

It might be a little known fact but Sarah can't wink.

This makes it hard for her to accomplish tasks some of us take for granted - simple things such as sending suggestive signals to an attractive stranger from across a room or putting the punctuation on a joke that says just messin' with ya!

Perhaps more shocking, given her incredible talent, she is unable to close a single eye when taking a photograph:

Sarah holding one eye shut to photograph dogs playing in the fountain = adorable

***

My trip to Chi-Town to see the uber-adorable Jen is still in the making but, in the meantime, I have planned a trip with the charmingly adorable Sandra - we're going to take Salem, Mass by storm.....witches beware!

***

Oh, and nearly a month later, baby bunnies are bigger and - you guessed it - still adorable.

Thought/Quote for the Day

2008-08-11T11:10:00.001-05:00

"You are beautiful...when you let friends have their space, when you believe, when you laugh or are moved to tears, when you let it just roll right off your back, when you talk about your dreams, when you help a turtle across the road, when you try to do the right thing even when it comes out wrong, when you love."

- Anonymous

For Cryin' Out Loud - Shhh! I'm Tryin' to Think

2008-08-05T14:03:00.005-05:00

Someone once told me that, when trying to tap into our gut instinct, we should pay attention to two voices - one loud, one quiet.

The loud voice, they explained, is (obviously) the one we hear the most and it deserves acknowledgement because it not only represents our most common fears on any given matter, it also serves as a cautionary warning...

...but it's the quiet voice, the one that whispers "this" that holds the key to something we, deep down, already know to be true.

So what has your loud voice told you lately and, in turn, what does your quiet voice have to say about it?

My Blog Tour

2008-08-01T14:38:00.002-05:00

I'm booking trips, packing my stuff and heading out on a blog tour - shame I can't afford a bus like the rock stars.

First stop - Philadelphia to see Sarah. It's been two years since I've hugged this gal and I can't wait to spend time with her again. Over the course of the last 3 - 4 years, I have enjoyed her writing, her honesty and her perspective but I have been blown away by her photography. In fact, I'm not leaving until she takes my picture and then someday, I can say, "Yeah, we were friends and I had my picture taken by her but she doesn't return my calls anymore."

Second stop - Chicago to catch up with Jen. It's been a year since we've hung out (especially since missing this year's TequilaCon), which feels weird considering I've hung out with her more than any other blogger. When good food and belly laughs are what the doctor orders, Jen is your girl.

Third stop - TBD; perhaps I should wait and get references from Sarah and Jen before I go inviting myself places. I wish I could visit everyone but a few unsuspecting victims I am considering are:

Sandra
CCW
SBFH

When I say unsuspecting, I mean it - they seriously have no idea. Just wait 'til CCW comes back from vacation only to find I might be on her door step soon.

Who Can Resist

2008-07-27T21:46:00.010-05:00

.....baby bunnies?

My son's girlfriend really wants to take this bunny home...

Cash checking out the baby bunny.

Oh, by the way - meet Cash.

This little guy was so soft and cute.

Okay, maybe not everyone gets excited about bunnies. In fact, maybe some people only have their picture taken with them when forced.

In An Effort To Take Care Of Me

2008-07-22T12:09:00.003-05:00

"What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself."

- Hecato, Greek philosopher

Breathe

2008-07-18T09:11:00.010-05:00

A few months ago, I went scuba diving for the first time off the island of Isla Mujeres, Mexico. Since I am not certified, I had to take a training course through the dive shop - although the proprietor and employees were very friendly, I got the impression I was being run through the motions rather quickly.

Instructional video (which seemed to sell you on the idea of diving rather than tell you "how" to do it) - Check

Equipment identification/explanation - Check

Passing verbal test of about 20 questions - Check

Next, I was on my knees under about 5 feet of water, facing my dive master, Eduardo, and attempting to follow his lead. Eduardo was tall and skinny with a "look" that reminded me of a surfer. He had an excellent smile that prominently displayed his missing teeth and a significant scar down his right side that he loved to point to and grin, "Shark!"

He spoke very little English.

After running me through a series of exercises, Eduardo pronounced me ready. He instructed me that he would be with me the whole time and when he felt ready to let go of my hand, I was to remain on his right throughout the dive.

We descended slowly, still face to face - with me stopping us every so often to adjust my ears. It was a shallow dive by most standards...approx 30 - 40 feet and it didn't take long for us to reach the bottom.

I remember initially feeling calm and in complete wonder of the world around us. We swam for a bit and Eduardo showed us where a nurse shark was taking a nap - he pointed out a group of barracuda and a couple of puffer fish. The highlights of his tour were the sting ray and sea turtle meandering within a few feet of us.

It was beautiful.

Halfway through the dive, however, I began to feel physically fatigued - as if I were receiving a cardiovascular workout that required more oxygen. I felt as if I wanted to pant or gasp but the regulator seemed to provide me with only a slow, steady intake.

shhhhhh.....pah......shhhhhh.....pah

I felt panicked.

I looked above and could see the surface illuminated by the sun. I became overwhelmed with the need to break through it and gulp the air. Eduardo had let go of my hand but I found myself reaching for him. He stopped to observe me and I pointed up. He cocked his head as if to quizzically ask if I *really* needed/wanted to go up.

I didn't.

I wanted to pull through. I wanted to have this experience.

Since I couldn't remember receiving any instructional hand signs for "give me just a minute", I did my best to communicate as much and allowed my flippers to gently rest on the bottom as I attempted to catch my breath. The effort proved more psychological than physical as I repeated to myself over and over...

I have all the air available to me that I need.

I have all the air available to me that I need.

.....and that is exactly what I've been telling myself this week.

I Might Be Gone For Awhile

2008-07-15T19:46:00.005-05:00

Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself and know that everything in this life has a purpose.

- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Take care of yourselves in my absence.

Did You Know...

2008-07-15T08:53:00.010-05:00

In accordance with my biker mama status - if you have a motorcycle in first gear and you give it some choke because you've killed it so many times trying to take off that it now won't start....did you know you should keep holding the clutch in?

Yes, indeed. Apparently, you should ALWAYS hold the clutch in.

Do you know what happens if you don't?

Take the following test to find out:

A) The motor will explode and singe your eyebrows.

B) The seat will eject you approximately 25 feet in the air.

C) The bike will shoot out from underneath you, gouge your leg with the peg, throw you to the ground and proceed to slide on its side for approximately ten feet.

D) Your boyfriend will now have to do a lot of touch up work prior to selling it on Craigslist.

My blurry image captured on a cell phone approx 35 min before the "incident"

Fill in the Blank

2008-07-07T10:03:00.002-05:00

Because I always enjoy the interesting responses I get (here and here) - finish this sentence:

The most important lesson I learned about love is ______________.

March 30

2008-06-30T08:38:00.003-05:00

This has been sitting among my drafted posts for months. I've intended to edit it, clean it up, make it more acceptable from a writing standpoint but just need to post it so that I quit running into it in the "waiting room."

***

He peered into the refrigerator. "What's today's date?"

I was calculating the correct answer when it hit me - my stomach and lungs collapsing with surprise.

"March 30th."

He pulled the milk out and retrieved a glass from the cabinet above my head. He paused then, as he noticed my grief, and rubbed my back for comfort.

Eventually - and silently - he returned the milk and went downstairs. I stood in the kitchen a moment longer considering my sister, her son, my son, the milk.

Milk.

It was only a few weeks prior that my mother had run into my nephew (my sister's son) around town. Given the infrequency of our contact with him, she was elated at the opportunity to catch up. Was he still working the job stocking shelves? As it turns out, no - his hours had been drastically cut back and he needed to find something else....needed to make more money.

Mom and I talked about the irony of his last job; while most 16 year olds mow lawns, after three years of avoiding his mother's grave, he was hired as a grounds keeper at the same cemetery.

During their brief conversation, my mom went on to impart that she worried about him...that she missed him. Couldn't he find more time to visit?

"I would love to see you more, grandma, but gas is so expensive right now. Speaking of, did you know milk is almost $4.00 a gallon?!"

Of course she knew this but why, at 17, did he? Although my own son is also impacted by the expense of fuel, he has no idea how much the milk he pulled out of the refrigerator costs and part of me is grateful for that.

It was a year earlier that he came to St. Louis and asked if he could live with me. I was a recently divorced, recently re-located single mother of a boy only three weeks younger than him. Two teenage boys? I couldn't imagine it....couldn't bring myself to take it on.

He assured me that he gets about $300 each month in Survivor's Benefits from his mother's Social Security and I could have that to help with expenses. I remember shaking my head and thinking he didn't have a clue....$300 would hardly cover the cost of adding another member to the house, let alone offset toiletry items and groceries - meat, bread, eggs...milk.

Looking back, maybe he did know this but it was simply all he had to offer.

I explained that I was already stretched and overwhelmed - I was still in school, working full-time, and trying to start my life over.....

"I understand" he had said.

An entire day would pass before my mom would consider the fact that it was 11:00 AM on a Wednesday when she ran into him. Why wasn't he in school?

Because he dropped out.

As the years of his life continue to unfold, I fear feeling guilty. I fear having not stepped up to the plate. I fear failing him.

I fear thinking that I might have made a difference.

From Writer to Rider

2008-06-24T11:11:00.002-05:00

*I never aspired to be a biker mama.

Then again, we can't always determine our calling in life - sometimes, fate finds us unexpectedly.

It began a few weeks ago when Tony and I signed up for a charity 'poker run' (you connect with fellow bikers on a mapped ride and stop at various locations to draw a new card for your hand). Although I had enjoyed the freedom and fun of an occasional motorcycle jaunt, this ride felt official somehow and I found myself "suiting up" at the local Harley Davidson shop where registrants met.

Before your imagination gets the best of you, I did not spring for leather chaps and tassels but had been feeling a little silly wearing Tony's full-face gear when everyone else was donning brain buckets. Since Tony had previously offered to treat me to my own helmet when he got his motorcycle, I opted to take him up on it. The only drawback was my now exposed face would definitely require tinted goggles with the foam liner to keep the wind out (and are those riding boots on sale?). After 20 minutes and nearly $300, I was ready to ride....three hours later, I had a whole new appreciation for curving, winding roads.

After this rather delightful experience, I was very enthusiastic when Tony suggested we ride the bike to meet my mother - in fact, to make the trip more scenic and interesting, he recommended we take back roads, stopping only for gas and a couple of stateparks.

Awesome, I thought.

And it was.....on the way there. Once we arrived and stopped for lunch, however, my knees were telling me they'd rather walk home and so Tony had to pull over every half hour on the drive back to let me stretch my legs. Considering we put 500 miles on the motorcycle in one day, maybe I should have anticipated achy joints.....oh, and that I would walk like a cowboy fresh off his horse for the next three days.

During one routine gas break, we stopped at a station in Nowhereville and instantly felt welcomed by the many parked bikes of our Harley brethren. As I climbed off to get drinks, Tony worked the pump. A few minutes later, he stepped inside...

I nearly got in a fight just now.

What?!

Some guy out there called you "ugly."

Slowly, a smile played across Tony's face. Apparently, two bikers came over to admire Tony's ride and, after multiple compliments, one turned to the other and said, "You see who he rode in with? You get you a bike like this and you pick up ugly chicks."

Although Tony eagerly pointed the commenter out in hopes that I might rough him up, the friendly biker assured me he was just kidding and I suspected as much - in fact, I took his humor for sarcasm until about 100 miles later when I noted my appearance in the shiny, black reflection of Tony's helmet. It appears that - at about 75 mph - I make an expression eerily similar to bitter beer face in an effort to keep my [already strapped] goggles on my face.

*Alternate intro sentence: Man, my ass is sore.

Sayonara

2008-05-22T14:54:00.010-05:00

If I can make it through ONE more work day, I am outta here....ahh, sweet vacation, here I come. Bring on the water, the sun, the good friends and relaxation. I cannot wait.

Speaking of vacations, this will be my second - sorta. I was fortunate enough to be able to attend a "working vacation" with Tony in Mexico earlier this year. Poor guy had to take clients deep sea fishing....man, he's got it rough.

I caught TWO of these (one for each day we were out). Tony caught ---- well, more than that.

When I wasn't reeling these bad boys in...

I could be found hanging over the side ~~vomiting~~ diligently working to draw more fish..

...or ~~passed out~~ resting my eyes for ~~HOURS~~ just a few minutes.

***********************

So off for vacation #2 - there will be pictures and stories to come but, in the meantime, I hope you and yours have a great holiday weekend.

Ha Ha Tonka

2008-05-15T07:52:00.008-05:00

Someone got a new camera....

That Which Resonates

2008-05-07T12:15:00.007-05:00

The waves of life are wonderfully unpredictable with the tide bringing people and moments together but also dividing us into distant waters where we may or may not opt to return to the safety of the shore.

I want to be able to float on the surface, warming my face with the light of the sun and explore the darker depths without getting lost. I want to navigate and endure the white capped waters that slap the rock under our feet, occasionally challenging our balance.

And when I fear falling or slipping away, I want to be able to reach for your hand - already extended in my direction.

"Long after moments of closeness have passed, a part of you remains with me and warms the places your hands have touched and hastens my heart for your return." - Robert Sexton

Tagged

2008-04-30T09:17:00.003-05:00

...by Sarahlynn and happy to oblige.

The Rules

1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write six random things about yourself.
4. Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.
5. Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.
6. Let your tagger know when your entry is up.

Six Random Things About Me

I can't stand to have my knees touched. Wait - let me repeat that - I...CAN'T...STAND...TO...HAVE...MY...KNEES...TOUCHED. I absolutely freak out. Seriously.
I also have a very strong aversion to the paper rings around restaurant silverware/napkin sets. I have no idea why but they gross me out. My father loves to taunt me with these (which doesn't help me but appears to supply him with great entertainment). I wonder if there is a name for such a bizarre phobia and/or if there are other freaks like me.
I am stubborn beyond reason. By example - I would rather lose an arm than reach for a hand to help me....then, upon losing the arm, I would sneer and scoff, "I'd like to see 'em try and get my other arm." I recognize this as an idiotic weakness.
I was captain of the cheer leading squad in high school and hated every single minute of it.
Although I've always believed it to be a great decade for music, I have recently become re-addicted to 80's music. Retro Saturday Night rocks.
I'm currently missing someone quite terribly.

Here are my choices for the next six unsuspecting ~~victims~~ participants. If they have already played along, they can wrap paper napkin rings around my knees and tell me to pay better attention to their blogs:

A Post To Catch Up

2008-04-28T20:35:00.012-05:00

I've been a shitty blogger over the course of the last year - I admit it - and have failed to document some significant events along the way:

He turned 17 and brought a girl to his birthday dinner for the first time. Although he talks about her in a whatever manner now, she is documented as his first serious girlfriend and - even if he doesn't know it or simply won't admit it yet - she is/will be special. They dated 9 months - that's a long time at 17.

He also took her to homecoming but I'm opting to post the picture of he and I on this day instead. I will always remember being slightly bent out of shape when her father laughed, "Does he even own a jacket?"

I'm recording this time of his life as the phase where he thinks he knows exactly who he is, what he wants and how he's going to get it - he's always been a good kid but having a job and a car has given him a heightened attitude of self assurance. During a recent argument, he threw his hands up in exasperation and spewed, "Oh my God, mom....this just goes to show how much you DON'T know!"

I guess I should be glad that, instead of dealing with issues like drugs and alcohol, we struggle with getting him to understand the importance of effectively managing his money and applying himself in school. Even though I'm perceived as the village idiot of the house these days, I predict my "lame" advice will become sage as he grows older.

Perhaps the most significant - and current - event is his first prom (Junior year). He went with his second serious girlfriend and thought he was super cool in his all black tux - she painted her nails black to match.

They were in a group of 20 who took a limo downtown for dinner and dancing. By all accounts, they seemed to have a great time. I realize he has another year to go but, so far, I'm thankful his high school experience has been what it is and not like the painful existence of mine.

For Sale

2008-04-09T17:36:00.006-05:00

1996 Toyota Celica

(gently used)

Feeling My Way in the Dark

2008-04-02T22:12:00.005-05:00

Sometimes I get the sense that I am waking from a dream...wondering how I could have possibly fallen asleep. I rub my eyes and ponder the dream's value.

What does it mean?

Was the slumber worth it?

Am I healing or falling apart?

DCFC

2008-03-26T13:48:00.004-05:00

Sitting on the couch,
my head resting on your arm.
I can feel your breath

...in my ear and the
stubble on your chin brushes
against my temple.

I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap its arms around me
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel, feel what its like to be new

You are singing to
the music and I am moved
by the vibration

...and strength of your voice
then, you fumble with the words
and I am endeared.

And I cannot guess what we'll discover
When we turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels
But I know our filthy hands can wash one another’s
And not one speck will remain

Sitting on the couch,
my head resting on your arm.
Smiling the whole time.

Valentine's Day Comes Early

2008-02-13T14:01:00.005-06:00

Loved my Valentine's day gift this year!

Within minutes of having these fancy-schmancy skates baked and molded to my feet, Tony and I had a local, outdoor ice skating rink all to ourselves. We twirled and laughed like children while fresh snow fell from the sky.

Afterward, my son's team won the first round of their hockey playoffs and I got to show my new blades off to him. His comment?

"No way can my mother have better hockey skates than me!"